Finding a place to belong

As I continue to write these "pieces", if you can consider them that, I feel that each piece should have some sort of meaning behind them. None of that "My day was like this and then this". That's no fun. Hence the lack of stuff on this site. Nothing hits me these days, ya know?

Anyway, on to the show
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I can say with confidence that this entry went through 4 revisions and rewrites before I was satisfied with the subject matter and flow. I really wish school or lie was that lax on assignments, but man, we only get one or two chances on just about anything, and damn, fleshing out thoughts in a way a writer wants his audience and/or him/herself to perceive his or her work is damn hard. How do writers do it?
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As per usual, vacation(which as the moment is 2 weeks ago) is a time of thinking. Usually vacation time, although awesome, gets me in a situation where i just have all this time to think to myself, which puts some crazy thoughts in my head. This time, it's about belonging somewhere.

I don't care what people say about being tough or saying that you don't need friends or someplace to belong to live. Everyone needs a place to belong. What's my point?

In my journey to understand God and to see if Christianity really is right for me, the church at home that I go to has been sloooooowly becoming less appealing. A church really isn't much without it's members, which has its high school and college kids too. We're all friends and we're all buddy buddy.

Or that's what I used to think.

I joined my church two years ago, and it was fun. But in the two years before i graduated, a person can change a great deal. Friday night's, I get together with the kids in my age group(used to be the high school group, but now that I'm in college, I'm with the college group)and we do a couple of things, all in the name understanding God, his inner workings and everything inbetween, along with being better friends with each other. As people grow, you just notice things, appreciate things a younger generation can't do. Things started to be more cliquey. Like church was more of a hangout. I didn't feel that good feeling like I did years ago. Same with now these days. I come back during vacation, and it's all the same.

There was that aspect of me feeling that the people around me were not in it for the reasons like i thought years ago. But like I say time and time again. Who am I to judge. Not only do I feel like I'm missing my point of going, the kids just make me feel like I just don't fit in, which is a feeling that I think I shouldn't be getting. When I'm around them, I just feel like they don't get me, whatever "me" is. And I just feel that they're not interested in me to begin with. There was a time I would introduce myself, tell my likes and dislikes, and let things flourish. And then, people just don't seem interested. Whatever they care about, I'm not it.

So it seems.

It's come to the point where I don't care about them either sometimes. Since I've gone away to college, I just feel smarter. Deeper. Older. Grown to a place where only a few seem to understand. It's a vicious cycle, for sure. I have thoughts of leaving. Switching churches. Or just not going altogether. Certainly, with the way things are going, it's not helping my self-esteem. I can only imagine how the other people who went away to college that go to my church at home turned out after all these months. Hopefully, not for the worst.

As I contemplate sometimes, I just wonder if my standards are just too damn harsh. That I just put people on pedestal that they might not be meant to be on. I want to stay. I really do, but what really works for me and what works for everyone else? I think it's time for another soul searching journey. And it's time to get in touch with the friends outside of church. I haven't seen them for a while. At least I know for sure, a small number, understand. And for those I've tagged out in facebook, how do you feel?

Closing off with Maya Angelou: "If you don't like something, change it. If you don't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain". Wendy said something along the same lines. Influence those around you.

Adios. Thanks for reading.

Silence

It's what I get.

I hate being ignored without a given reason. I hate broken promises.

That is all.

Sorry for the lack of writing.

聞く (And for those of you think that I'm just some big emo sap I really don't give a damn. Take it and shove it)

For those that aren't Japanese aficionados, that means to listen.

It's something that people don't do.

My family doesn't do it. My friends don't do it.

I don't do it. It's something we're all guilty of once in a while.

Recently, a friend of mine did something that I told him not to. I basically told him not to ask about something my other friend told me about. Secrets, ya know? I was mad. Furious, maybe. I told him specifically not to do it. I trusted him and he just did it anyway. It was because he didn't think before what he said.

But then again, if you think about it, I didn't listen to my friend either. I didn't keep my secret like I was supposed to. So who am I to pass judgment when I am guilty of not listening myself?

We all make mistakes. We're only human. If only were it so easy to understand that fact and just forgive. Some people just don't forget and remember the things that hurt us and learn to be not so trusting to avoid getting burned again. No one wants to get burned again. I should know. Rejections, betrayals and uneasy truths. I have had my fair share of those, but it was my optimism that made me learn slower than the average person.

In this generation, which I call the ADD(attention deficit syndrome) generation, we're so busy and so occupied with the many things that bombard us everyday. The internet has become rampant with so much content that sometimes we just feel compelled to just consume it. Work runs our lives because people demand from us so much. Those are just two things, among many, that prevent us to just stop and listen. Like the sounds around you. Like the people that you care about and that care about you. Most of all, it prevents you from listening to yourself, the most important voice of all. I think if we just stopped for a change, we wouldn't have as many problems such as the one that plagues me currently.

So, friend of mine. I hope you listen.

I'm sorry. I don't care if you don't believe me. I say those two words from the bottom of my heart. I mean, it's all I can say. There's no excuses. No fancy frills. I did what I did and I voided your trust in me. I just fuckin' fucked up. I guess all you wanted was someone to listen to you and I messed up in that too. Why I told him what you told me, I don't know. In retrospect, he should've been the last person to tell. I figured since he knew how I felt, he could help me help you. Guessed wrong. I care about you. I really do. Otherwise I wouldn't grief so much. I don't know if you'll ever understand how I feel. Maybe you do already. Regardless, I still will. I'll just let God do what he wants and leave things to him.

Stay safe and have a nice day.

Homecoming

Two posts in one day. Keep that in mind. Check out the one below as well
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Yesterday was the Bronx Science homecoming, a day that was a lot more surprising than I figured, but not for the reasons that I thought they would be.

I met up with Alvin around 830 in Flushing and it was off to Science. Taking the 7 express to the yellow line to the 4 train was all very nostalgic. The same graffiti tags, the same sounds and the smells all reminded me of the treks I made to school and back. When the train announced "Bedford Park Blvd-Lehman College", it made things seem way weirder and surreal. Making the walk, the stupid truck unloading bell chimed and class was already well under way. First stop, Mr. Fox. I just basically slammed into his room and disrupted the class. It was all good and dandy to see him. Sampson and a few other students showed up as well. Him asking the same java questions he asked yesterday made me glad that college taught me something, something that Science really didn't do.

Fox: "What does the toString method do?"
Me: "I know I know!"
Fox: "I know you do Nick and if you didn't I'd be extremely disappointed"

There were a few other stops. I saw my english teacher, who joked around that I decided to keep my short hair. A few seniors visited all at once, and so we imparted our wisdom and experience. Then some dude asked what would happen if Devry was his reach. I don't wanna know.

I expressed how I felt about college to Ms. Philips, Ohkawa-sensei and Schoor. All were glad that I liked RIT and that I would stay. Philips, fresh from college the other year, told me that college is way more liberating and there aren't as many rules, which is why college is probably the better experience for me. Schoor, after mentoring so much, hoped that I would continue pursuing the game career path, and Ohkawa-sensei told me about the work the I would encounter next quarter since she was familiar with the textbook I would be using. If it's one thing I missed, it's the relationships I forged with teachers and I'm sure others would agree with me.

Throughout the day, I met up with friends, giving hugs, talking about the old times and taking pictures. They're gonna be on the facebook. I decided to join Josh and crew to watch American Gangster and then eat. Then the train ride home.
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The biggest thing that happened to me during homecoming was my epiphany. I figured out why I was so angry during high school.

It was because I went to high school.

7th period, I went to see Ohkawa-sensei to check out her freshman class. I must say, as the years pass by, the rowdier and stupider the kids get. They were so smug, talking to sensei in a sarcastic tone, not doing the easiest homework. Come on, it's freakin hiragana and sentence structure. I admit. My class was loud and rowdy, but HOLY FUCK. Maybe it's having her for 4 years but DAMN I wanted to break these kids legs for being such ass' to a great teacher.

And then it hit me. I had one of those jaw drop moments. I haven't threatened someone since I left high school. All my time in college, I was so chill, so relaxed and very rarely did I raise my voice and use some form of physical pain to get my point across. You know why? Cause as far as I know, no one is a freakin idiot. People are willing to listen to you. Sure there's a douchebag here and a douchebag there but not enough to the point where one would feel they're surrounded by them. Ms. Philips said so herself. I was exposed to more, and there are more people that I could relate to. It was something high school really didn't offer.

People didn't change either, for better or for worse. Josh is still Josh. He has the grand plans sometimes, but he still doesn't lead. It's pretty sick that his brother cleaned himself up. People are still stuck in their cliques and don't venture outside of it much. It's a reminder that I really didn't relate to a lot of kids 100% at science. I wasn't part of any one clique.

However, there was one thing I was appreciative of out of all this gloom that had to do with students. It was George's attitude. He knew what I would be getting myself into, but he was "more power to you if you like where you are" cause partying and the kind of social life most people are accustomed to might not be that necessary, so long as you like where you are.
That and Dan and Joe. Dan still is a crazy jew and Joe seems more insightful. Hope that music gig works out for ya.

So homecoming was bittersweet. I got to see my friends, but I had to let go and say bye. I realized a few uneasy truths, but as Vernon pointed out, you might need to leave to figure out why you were the way you were during high school. Maybe I'm some old man at heart or too grown up for my own liking. In any case, thanks, V.

Home, it's trimmings and some other realizations

I got home Thursday night by train. It was just me and my laptop, watchin' movies. Ratatouille, the Kevin Smith movies and just listening to my tunes. It was just one of those alone periods that I don't get anymore. So I don't get to think about random things anymore. Once I got off that train and out of Penn Station, I just said to myself, "I'm home. ただいま”(tadaima is "I'm home in Japanese"). I'm here to savor the moments. I'm here to enjoy my time. "It's all good...in the neighborhood".

So what exactly did I miss?
Family and friends. That's kind of a no brainer as to why, so I'll skip it.

My own bathroom. Yeah. Public bathrooms? Not cool. Goin number 2 farmer style(squatting). That ain't fun. Brushing your teeth and taking a shower thinking what everyone else could have done in there. That ain't cool either. *shiver*

FOOD. OH DAMN, FOOD. I missed mom's cooking. I missed chinese food. I MISSED EDIBLE FOOD. 'nuff said.
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*Note. It's as of this point where I really don't care how people feel in response to what I write. It's my blog. I write to flesh out my thoughts. Not to please. Not to entertain. If I offend the person that the next couple of paragraphs is about, sorry, but that's how I feel. In any case, she doesn't read this thing anyway, but there are lurkers that read but don't comment. There usually are.

A few days ago(it was meant to be yesterday but I never got around to finishing this post Tuesday), I saw Kat at St. Johns. It wasn't a big deal. She was still the same. I guess all that was different was her joining a sorority. I told her that I was going to church more frequently and in response, she said, "Oh, they got you too".

It struck a chord. Here I am, finding my lot in life, going through the ropes, wondering if Christianity is the right for me and rather than giving me support, I get some crap response like its brainwashing. It may be. It may not be, but regardless, you're my friend and all I ask is a good luck or something. But I didn't get it.

I had my disliking toward the greek system. Not because of the sterotypes, but more of the certain type of people that joined them. They seemed to be the same. Somewhat fake and lacking a certain amount of depth. I had a certain amount of respect for them, though, if anything, because they do fund raising for good causes. But Kat I wasn't so sure. Joining a sorority out of boredom at St. Johns and to some pressure is a dumb reason. Jan was right. She is a robot. She let her parents dictate where she went to college and now this. Epic fail. So through all of this, I finally figured out why Gala doesn't talk to Kat as much. Be it a matter of faith or the very different values they have come to develop, it's something I'm sure. I suppose I was too optimistic, as I usually am, and hoped that this person would grow up for a change. Guess not *shrug*. I guess most people my age want to party and want to have a "good time" and I'm some big nerdy loser. So says the girl who received a pledge name of a bad birth control pill. Yeah. Stay friends? Sure. Stay close friends like we used to be? Probably not, unfortunately. These are the times we live in*sips tea*

*takes another big long sip of his tea*

Yeah. I like being a nerd or geek or w/e. The Reporter defines it rather well when the question, "What makes a geek?" is posed.

"You stay up way too late.

That's the tell-tale sign. It doesn't matter much what you're doing. You could be building your own MP3 player or painting a self-portrait or writing a novel. Maybe you're coding a sick Perl script, or perhaps you're reciting from memory the finer points of the CMYK printing process. Font design, personal website work, music composition, or stock investment. It simply does not matter. You could even be calculating the first thousand digits of Pi by hand. The act itself is irrelevant.

Geekdom is not defined by what you're doing, by how you go about doing it. It's about obsession- the little voice in the back of your head that prevents you from sleeping because you need to do this one more thing. Not for class and not for money, but for the sheer joy of it all. The hours flip to one, two, three, four, five in the morning. And, when you wake up, after having fallen asleep at your desk, you'll wipe the droll off the paper and start converting those first 1000 digits of Pi into binary, because you love math, and no one on this planet can make you think differently.

There are literally thousands of different geek breeds across the world, each embracing their respective sphere of geekery with the utmost love and respect."

And that's how I feel about myself. I'm glad I went to college, among the many that haven't yet. I'm not looking back, and I'm glad I came back to New York and finally realize that.

I'll post about homecoming later tonight, along with some more realizations that came along with the trip back to Bronx Science.

Stay safe and have a Happy Thanksgiving

call me crazy...

Or is college supposed to be a place where you can have fun while managing the work that's given to you. Or am I just an exception to the whole rule of "college is FREAKIN' HORD that I don't have time to talk to my friends from high school that went to other colleges"? Also, I noticed (from what I see anyway) that they're not liking college, as opposed to those who are.

Now what defines liking college? I'm not so sure. From what I understand, it's a combination of liking the people, having fun with what's given to ya, and managing your work. Lately, I've been asking people how they are, how's life treating them, and how's college treating them.

"Sorry, busy. Can't talk." "I'm busy." "Hi. Bye" "Must sleep"

Huh?

It's only first quarter/semester(remember I'm one of the few kids on quarter system) and yet so many people are working so hard. On paper, the roles are supposed to be in reverse. I'm supposed to be crying cause I'm on quarter system. More work is packed in. In fact, finals are two weeks away. But here I am with my classes adding up to 18 credits. Somewhat stressed, but it doesn't stop me from keeping in contact with friends. Maybe it's the fact that Rochester is in the middle of nowhere and that because I don't have a car, I don't get to have fun. But then there's the fact that I go to fellowship, I go to club, and a lot of other things(hockey games and college sponsored events, to name a few). Maybe the work is too easy or I'm just that smart. But then I'm not that smart and the work really is not that easy, cause then I would've gotten this material in a moments notice. Maybe it's cause I don't like it here? But I am. In fact, I love it here. I love doing what I do, working to get that profession that I've always wanted since I was 9. That effort I'm putting is going somewhere, right?

Or am I wrong? Maybe I'm not working HARD ENOUGH?!

Yeah sure, screw that.

So the question I'm posing is...am I crazy, or is college supposed to be this hard.

Out of habbit already

Words are a powerful thing. A few can influence, inspire, confuse. Anything. Try not to think about it they say. Patience. A result will come. Frankly, I take it with stride myself, but sometimes it's hard to ignore the things people say to you.

Hopefully orange box will take things off my mind. That or any form of work will do.