A follow up

Check it.  Just do it.  

The Questions and the Answers

Here's something I wrote on the way back to school. Enjoy

The Questions and the Answers, all for Him
By Nicholas Moy

    Hi, I’m Nick and I’m always interested in what’s going on with, be it with the news, the arts, science or what goes on at school. Occasionally, I would break out the New York Times and just read it, just because I had the need to know what was going on around me. I told this to a (former?) friend of mine and she said I was nerdy for doing this.
    When did it become a nerdy thing to read a newspaper? I’m sure, or I hope, that most of you don’t believe that, but the fact that the idea actually exists in today’s day and age is saddening. As I examine my generation from an outside perspective, I have to ask you a few things. How do you know what goes on in today’s world. By word of mouth? How about print media or visual media? Or how about none at all. Whether you do or don’t, I get this impression that we choose to live under a rock. Today, I was at Sunday service and the speaker mentioned Sarah Palin, John McCain’s VP pick. The person next to me asked me who she is. It led to a face palm moment. How could you not know who she is? She’s been all over the media, taking all forms of crap right after she was announced to be McCain’s running mate. That’s right. How could you not know? Well if one person doesn’t know, then others don’t know either.
    We live in a day and age where the Internet has given us to a wealth of information, literally, at our fingertips. Wikipedia is a godsend. Digg.com lets us see random news, relevant and irrelevant. And yet what do we do with this utility? Waste our time on facebook, myspace and games made from flash (I’m guilty of the facebook bit, but I know when enough is enough).
We have become so apathetic toward what goes on in our lives. We don’t stop and wonder, “Hey, what’s going on these days?” We just live life under a routine. I’m going to cite politics again. While reading my college’s self-published magazine, the editorial contained a question that I found funny. “How any of you feel empowered by democracy?” Do any of you? Politics, for sure, is boring, and even I don’t know what goes on in that mess, but having basic knowledge of some issues is the least you could do. After all, a democracy is only as powerful as the people that take part in it. Do nothing, and your government will just do whatever they want. As far as I can see, I see two possible futures: either our government will continue to run our lives and seep the people’s power, or we’re going to get pissed off and start some riots and take back what we want.
    So where am I going with this? Well, I’ll let you in on something. I’m Christian. Sometimes when I meet people and go on about my likes, dislikes and things that are on my mind with the world these days, I would drop in that something that would hint that I have a faith. The person asks, I reply and they become somewhat surprised. Heck if I know why, but I guess keeping up to speed with things and Christianity do not go hand in hand, apparently.
    I say that I am a Christian, but in truth, I am what they call a seeker. I have accepted Christ into my life, but there are just many questions I have about Him and God. Just so many. Too many, I might say. Some questions may not be answered, but as they say, it doesn’t hurt to ask.
    Like how I am with world events, I just have to know things. Take a moment sometime to just be by yourself. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but take the time to just examine yourself and ask yourself this. Why (or why not) are you a Christian? Really. Have you ever thought of that? For some of you that may live life day by day under a routine and don’t consider things except in the now, have you ever considered asking yourself that question?
I did not accept Christ into my life until recently. It was after I graduated high school. I’m still not baptized, but reasons for that I’ll share another day. My first experience with a fellowship was coffeehouse during my sophomore year of high school. It was something I really wasn’t expecting. I went for a good friend of mine. She just recently accepted Christ into her life, and she asked me to go, to give her some support. At the time, I really paid no mind to organized religion. It was just something that people did. You believe in what you believe, and I believe in what I believe. That is all. But this was for a friend, and friendship, I believe, transcends above personal beliefs and morals. I didn’t start going to youth group until junior year. My curiosity got the best of me, and I really wanted to know why my friend and these other people would believe in God. Why were some of these people happy, while I was somewhat miserable? Group games were good and fun and praise night, although weird at first, grew onto me. Then came small group and bible study. It was different story.
    Bible study and small group gave me the opportunity to ask the questions I wanted to know. Sorry youth group, but I got nowhere. I got a few bits in here and there, but really, I felt I did not get much. Somewhere in the back of my head, I kept asking myself. “Why is this so bland? So dry? So slow? Aren’t you, as Christians, supposed to help me out finding this guy named Jesus?” Hindsight told me that I was just being overly critical of them. We were just kids, after all, and all we really wanted to do was have fun. Over time during my senior year, I thought I got my answer. Jesus died for my sins and through God and through him, he gave me all that I have. Very textbook answer, but that’s what I thought and it convinced me to accept Christ into my life. Still, during that summer, there was some feeling deep down in my heart that just lingered and it bothered me. Didn’t know what it was until I went to college.
    Turned out that I was missing the point. So what if Jesus died for your sins? What good is it if all you thought about was yourself. It just made sense when you find that it was not about you, but it was about the grander scheme of things. It was, and it is, about Him. College and my first retreat the summer after my first year did that, and I am eternally grateful.
    So I ask again. Why are you, or why are you not, a Christian? Consider it, and think. For me, I am because I believe. I give and He gives in return. It is the relationship I forged with God, all for Him. Keep asking, regardless of subject matter. Not only are we to be just individuals, we are to be smart individuals. As Christians, we are not just to be Christians, but smart Christians. Though the answers may not always be given to you, keep seeking them. Keep searching and never stop.

Good day and stay safe.

summer's over, but that's fine

after the request of a friend that i know, i decided to write again.

Summer has been wonderful. Working at summer paradise, being with the kids, and forging new bonds with people that I thought I would never make bonds with. I'm glad working, of all things, gave me the opprotunity to develop so many things in my life. Patience with the kids and love for those around me, among other things. Because of work, I didn't get to hang with alot of friends, but there's always break. Hit me up for some good times.
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School is about to start on Monday, and I really did not want summer to be over because, for once, I didn't go to school during the summer and I had fun, every singly day. This summer probably ranks as one of the better ones, next to the one at stonybrook during the summer going into 8th grade and going to Japan.

I was really happy when auntie Wendy gave me the position of CIT. It didn't pay much, but honestly, I really didn't care. I wanted to do something besides sit on my rear end in front of my pc. The pictures I have posted pretty much tells all what went on at my job. I thank God for giving me that opprotunity. Fo' Sho.

Btw, basketball is fun again.

A run down of the summer:

End of may to mid june- hangoutage
Mid-June to Mid-August: Summer paradise =D

Mid August- Otakon.....
Alright, so otakon was a WHOLE LOT BETTER. At first I wasn't gonna go, but then one thing convinced me to go : JAM project. Sure I don't watch anime anymore, and learning Japanese has more meaning than just learning how to read and understand what my import games are saying, but hey, JAM project just gets you pumped. I can't listen to their songs all the time, but when you listen to them, its like, "Hey, I feel like kicking some ass and doing something awesome." Besides, live shows for artists that you like are always awesome. Too bad I missed that Foo Fighters concernt in jersey =/. Oh well, next time. If the headliner for otakon next year is just as good as this year was, maybe a 3rd trip will be in order.


Songs that I played too much this summer:
The Greatest Man That Ever Lived, Only in Dreams, Heart Songs, The Angel and the One, Across the Sea - Weezer
Senseless - Asian Kung-Fu Generation
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Baba O' Riley, Young Man Blues - The Who
Ride the Lightening - Metallica
Heartbreaker, You Know What Time is it?! - Teriyaki Boyz
U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer (I made so many references to this stupid song in and out of work)
Zombie - Fela Kuti
Holy Thursday - David Axelrod
Last Bongo in Belgium - Incredible Bongo Band

Melody listens to too much Jonas Brothers. They're good at what they do, which is attract pre-pubescant little girls. Luckily, Weezer released the Red Album earlier in the summer, so I listend to those tracks to death. The songs also pretty much tells the story of how my summer went.

To the incoming college freshman:
Don't let college eat you alive. It's actually pretty fun, believe it or not. If you actually try. You are what you make it, is what I say(I say that for everything. If you do something and you think it's fun, turns out it could be). Keep your head above the water, but let loose a little bit. Time to have some fun, cause it's not all work. Instructions may or not apply to all other older people.

To the QHC people and coworkers:
I'm sick of seeing your faces 6-7 times a week. Too bad I didn't mind you guys at the same time =P. Good times is all I gotta say.

To Friends that I didn't see at all or often:
Sorry I didn't see you guys. I'm always around, so just hit me up. When we did hang though, twas fun. We should do it again.

Finally, I'm just gonna post my new mailing address.
Nicholas Moy
703 Park Point Drive
Unit 2C
Rochester, NY 14623

I like IM's, but write me from time to time. Letters are awesome.

So guys, I'll ttyl.

Stay safe, and stay happy. Ja~ne.

Finding a place to belong

As I continue to write these "pieces", if you can consider them that, I feel that each piece should have some sort of meaning behind them. None of that "My day was like this and then this". That's no fun. Hence the lack of stuff on this site. Nothing hits me these days, ya know?

Anyway, on to the show
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I can say with confidence that this entry went through 4 revisions and rewrites before I was satisfied with the subject matter and flow. I really wish school or lie was that lax on assignments, but man, we only get one or two chances on just about anything, and damn, fleshing out thoughts in a way a writer wants his audience and/or him/herself to perceive his or her work is damn hard. How do writers do it?
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As per usual, vacation(which as the moment is 2 weeks ago) is a time of thinking. Usually vacation time, although awesome, gets me in a situation where i just have all this time to think to myself, which puts some crazy thoughts in my head. This time, it's about belonging somewhere.

I don't care what people say about being tough or saying that you don't need friends or someplace to belong to live. Everyone needs a place to belong. What's my point?

In my journey to understand God and to see if Christianity really is right for me, the church at home that I go to has been sloooooowly becoming less appealing. A church really isn't much without it's members, which has its high school and college kids too. We're all friends and we're all buddy buddy.

Or that's what I used to think.

I joined my church two years ago, and it was fun. But in the two years before i graduated, a person can change a great deal. Friday night's, I get together with the kids in my age group(used to be the high school group, but now that I'm in college, I'm with the college group)and we do a couple of things, all in the name understanding God, his inner workings and everything inbetween, along with being better friends with each other. As people grow, you just notice things, appreciate things a younger generation can't do. Things started to be more cliquey. Like church was more of a hangout. I didn't feel that good feeling like I did years ago. Same with now these days. I come back during vacation, and it's all the same.

There was that aspect of me feeling that the people around me were not in it for the reasons like i thought years ago. But like I say time and time again. Who am I to judge. Not only do I feel like I'm missing my point of going, the kids just make me feel like I just don't fit in, which is a feeling that I think I shouldn't be getting. When I'm around them, I just feel like they don't get me, whatever "me" is. And I just feel that they're not interested in me to begin with. There was a time I would introduce myself, tell my likes and dislikes, and let things flourish. And then, people just don't seem interested. Whatever they care about, I'm not it.

So it seems.

It's come to the point where I don't care about them either sometimes. Since I've gone away to college, I just feel smarter. Deeper. Older. Grown to a place where only a few seem to understand. It's a vicious cycle, for sure. I have thoughts of leaving. Switching churches. Or just not going altogether. Certainly, with the way things are going, it's not helping my self-esteem. I can only imagine how the other people who went away to college that go to my church at home turned out after all these months. Hopefully, not for the worst.

As I contemplate sometimes, I just wonder if my standards are just too damn harsh. That I just put people on pedestal that they might not be meant to be on. I want to stay. I really do, but what really works for me and what works for everyone else? I think it's time for another soul searching journey. And it's time to get in touch with the friends outside of church. I haven't seen them for a while. At least I know for sure, a small number, understand. And for those I've tagged out in facebook, how do you feel?

Closing off with Maya Angelou: "If you don't like something, change it. If you don't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain". Wendy said something along the same lines. Influence those around you.

Adios. Thanks for reading.

Silence

It's what I get.

I hate being ignored without a given reason. I hate broken promises.

That is all.

Sorry for the lack of writing.

聞く (And for those of you think that I'm just some big emo sap I really don't give a damn. Take it and shove it)

For those that aren't Japanese aficionados, that means to listen.

It's something that people don't do.

My family doesn't do it. My friends don't do it.

I don't do it. It's something we're all guilty of once in a while.

Recently, a friend of mine did something that I told him not to. I basically told him not to ask about something my other friend told me about. Secrets, ya know? I was mad. Furious, maybe. I told him specifically not to do it. I trusted him and he just did it anyway. It was because he didn't think before what he said.

But then again, if you think about it, I didn't listen to my friend either. I didn't keep my secret like I was supposed to. So who am I to pass judgment when I am guilty of not listening myself?

We all make mistakes. We're only human. If only were it so easy to understand that fact and just forgive. Some people just don't forget and remember the things that hurt us and learn to be not so trusting to avoid getting burned again. No one wants to get burned again. I should know. Rejections, betrayals and uneasy truths. I have had my fair share of those, but it was my optimism that made me learn slower than the average person.

In this generation, which I call the ADD(attention deficit syndrome) generation, we're so busy and so occupied with the many things that bombard us everyday. The internet has become rampant with so much content that sometimes we just feel compelled to just consume it. Work runs our lives because people demand from us so much. Those are just two things, among many, that prevent us to just stop and listen. Like the sounds around you. Like the people that you care about and that care about you. Most of all, it prevents you from listening to yourself, the most important voice of all. I think if we just stopped for a change, we wouldn't have as many problems such as the one that plagues me currently.

So, friend of mine. I hope you listen.

I'm sorry. I don't care if you don't believe me. I say those two words from the bottom of my heart. I mean, it's all I can say. There's no excuses. No fancy frills. I did what I did and I voided your trust in me. I just fuckin' fucked up. I guess all you wanted was someone to listen to you and I messed up in that too. Why I told him what you told me, I don't know. In retrospect, he should've been the last person to tell. I figured since he knew how I felt, he could help me help you. Guessed wrong. I care about you. I really do. Otherwise I wouldn't grief so much. I don't know if you'll ever understand how I feel. Maybe you do already. Regardless, I still will. I'll just let God do what he wants and leave things to him.

Stay safe and have a nice day.

Homecoming

Two posts in one day. Keep that in mind. Check out the one below as well
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Yesterday was the Bronx Science homecoming, a day that was a lot more surprising than I figured, but not for the reasons that I thought they would be.

I met up with Alvin around 830 in Flushing and it was off to Science. Taking the 7 express to the yellow line to the 4 train was all very nostalgic. The same graffiti tags, the same sounds and the smells all reminded me of the treks I made to school and back. When the train announced "Bedford Park Blvd-Lehman College", it made things seem way weirder and surreal. Making the walk, the stupid truck unloading bell chimed and class was already well under way. First stop, Mr. Fox. I just basically slammed into his room and disrupted the class. It was all good and dandy to see him. Sampson and a few other students showed up as well. Him asking the same java questions he asked yesterday made me glad that college taught me something, something that Science really didn't do.

Fox: "What does the toString method do?"
Me: "I know I know!"
Fox: "I know you do Nick and if you didn't I'd be extremely disappointed"

There were a few other stops. I saw my english teacher, who joked around that I decided to keep my short hair. A few seniors visited all at once, and so we imparted our wisdom and experience. Then some dude asked what would happen if Devry was his reach. I don't wanna know.

I expressed how I felt about college to Ms. Philips, Ohkawa-sensei and Schoor. All were glad that I liked RIT and that I would stay. Philips, fresh from college the other year, told me that college is way more liberating and there aren't as many rules, which is why college is probably the better experience for me. Schoor, after mentoring so much, hoped that I would continue pursuing the game career path, and Ohkawa-sensei told me about the work the I would encounter next quarter since she was familiar with the textbook I would be using. If it's one thing I missed, it's the relationships I forged with teachers and I'm sure others would agree with me.

Throughout the day, I met up with friends, giving hugs, talking about the old times and taking pictures. They're gonna be on the facebook. I decided to join Josh and crew to watch American Gangster and then eat. Then the train ride home.
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The biggest thing that happened to me during homecoming was my epiphany. I figured out why I was so angry during high school.

It was because I went to high school.

7th period, I went to see Ohkawa-sensei to check out her freshman class. I must say, as the years pass by, the rowdier and stupider the kids get. They were so smug, talking to sensei in a sarcastic tone, not doing the easiest homework. Come on, it's freakin hiragana and sentence structure. I admit. My class was loud and rowdy, but HOLY FUCK. Maybe it's having her for 4 years but DAMN I wanted to break these kids legs for being such ass' to a great teacher.

And then it hit me. I had one of those jaw drop moments. I haven't threatened someone since I left high school. All my time in college, I was so chill, so relaxed and very rarely did I raise my voice and use some form of physical pain to get my point across. You know why? Cause as far as I know, no one is a freakin idiot. People are willing to listen to you. Sure there's a douchebag here and a douchebag there but not enough to the point where one would feel they're surrounded by them. Ms. Philips said so herself. I was exposed to more, and there are more people that I could relate to. It was something high school really didn't offer.

People didn't change either, for better or for worse. Josh is still Josh. He has the grand plans sometimes, but he still doesn't lead. It's pretty sick that his brother cleaned himself up. People are still stuck in their cliques and don't venture outside of it much. It's a reminder that I really didn't relate to a lot of kids 100% at science. I wasn't part of any one clique.

However, there was one thing I was appreciative of out of all this gloom that had to do with students. It was George's attitude. He knew what I would be getting myself into, but he was "more power to you if you like where you are" cause partying and the kind of social life most people are accustomed to might not be that necessary, so long as you like where you are.
That and Dan and Joe. Dan still is a crazy jew and Joe seems more insightful. Hope that music gig works out for ya.

So homecoming was bittersweet. I got to see my friends, but I had to let go and say bye. I realized a few uneasy truths, but as Vernon pointed out, you might need to leave to figure out why you were the way you were during high school. Maybe I'm some old man at heart or too grown up for my own liking. In any case, thanks, V.