Finding a place to belong

As I continue to write these "pieces", if you can consider them that, I feel that each piece should have some sort of meaning behind them. None of that "My day was like this and then this". That's no fun. Hence the lack of stuff on this site. Nothing hits me these days, ya know?

Anyway, on to the show
------------------------------------
I can say with confidence that this entry went through 4 revisions and rewrites before I was satisfied with the subject matter and flow. I really wish school or lie was that lax on assignments, but man, we only get one or two chances on just about anything, and damn, fleshing out thoughts in a way a writer wants his audience and/or him/herself to perceive his or her work is damn hard. How do writers do it?
------------------------------------
As per usual, vacation(which as the moment is 2 weeks ago) is a time of thinking. Usually vacation time, although awesome, gets me in a situation where i just have all this time to think to myself, which puts some crazy thoughts in my head. This time, it's about belonging somewhere.

I don't care what people say about being tough or saying that you don't need friends or someplace to belong to live. Everyone needs a place to belong. What's my point?

In my journey to understand God and to see if Christianity really is right for me, the church at home that I go to has been sloooooowly becoming less appealing. A church really isn't much without it's members, which has its high school and college kids too. We're all friends and we're all buddy buddy.

Or that's what I used to think.

I joined my church two years ago, and it was fun. But in the two years before i graduated, a person can change a great deal. Friday night's, I get together with the kids in my age group(used to be the high school group, but now that I'm in college, I'm with the college group)and we do a couple of things, all in the name understanding God, his inner workings and everything inbetween, along with being better friends with each other. As people grow, you just notice things, appreciate things a younger generation can't do. Things started to be more cliquey. Like church was more of a hangout. I didn't feel that good feeling like I did years ago. Same with now these days. I come back during vacation, and it's all the same.

There was that aspect of me feeling that the people around me were not in it for the reasons like i thought years ago. But like I say time and time again. Who am I to judge. Not only do I feel like I'm missing my point of going, the kids just make me feel like I just don't fit in, which is a feeling that I think I shouldn't be getting. When I'm around them, I just feel like they don't get me, whatever "me" is. And I just feel that they're not interested in me to begin with. There was a time I would introduce myself, tell my likes and dislikes, and let things flourish. And then, people just don't seem interested. Whatever they care about, I'm not it.

So it seems.

It's come to the point where I don't care about them either sometimes. Since I've gone away to college, I just feel smarter. Deeper. Older. Grown to a place where only a few seem to understand. It's a vicious cycle, for sure. I have thoughts of leaving. Switching churches. Or just not going altogether. Certainly, with the way things are going, it's not helping my self-esteem. I can only imagine how the other people who went away to college that go to my church at home turned out after all these months. Hopefully, not for the worst.

As I contemplate sometimes, I just wonder if my standards are just too damn harsh. That I just put people on pedestal that they might not be meant to be on. I want to stay. I really do, but what really works for me and what works for everyone else? I think it's time for another soul searching journey. And it's time to get in touch with the friends outside of church. I haven't seen them for a while. At least I know for sure, a small number, understand. And for those I've tagged out in facebook, how do you feel?

Closing off with Maya Angelou: "If you don't like something, change it. If you don't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain". Wendy said something along the same lines. Influence those around you.

Adios. Thanks for reading.